guilt

dardar, i dream of you again. is our usual breakfast place and i was talking to you about why you nv apply DPS, why you never make the WILL why you never make additional car owner in your car etc... and all you do is smile at me while i do the talking. are you blaming me that why i didn save you in time? or why i never go check in the study room? do you know i have been living this guilt and self blame ever since you are gone. i can never forgive myself at all. if im curious enough to go check in the study room does that mean you will be save?

memories

dar, just now i bring the kids to compass point genki for dinner. then when i was eating i was crying inside my heart. coz the memories of you having dinner or lunch with us. who will share the drink with me. who will eat those food which i don't eat de. we always pass to you to eat. but just now nobody to pass to. i'm also trying to put up a strong front. but i know deep down my heart im crying already. even now while im typing i also feel like crying but im just controlling only. i have also book a car refresher. owen keep asking me to drive car. you know i got no confidence in driving coz im so scare. and the responsibility taken is even higher. i'm so afraid i cant do as well as you are. last time always ask them to find you but now all look for me and i got no answer for them. i'm not as smart as you are. i dont even know why you will choose me for your wife when im so stupid. all i know is cook and care for them. all those sch work i know nothing at all. i can't even help them. i feel so useless. you know you are the man that can do all things so well. taking care of the family so well. everytime u say u are like taking care of 4 kids, i also feel like i'm a kid that cant grow up. i think i ever asked you before why choose me to be ur gf when your condition is so good but i can't remember what you say le. i was looking back at our past pictures from young to old. and when was the last time we had a couple pic. i couldnt even find any recent de. all are with the kids. sometimes taking the lrt i cant help but will try to cry but i hold back, how to forget and control myself.

how

dar, today i went to find dr choi to do blood test since the DPS im applying also request me to have the latest blood results. then i tell dr choi i want to do the ECG since of your episode and last 3 weeks i told him i don't know is it due to my emotional stress or psychology issue my heart feel very heavy. there are times whereby i need to have a deep breathing. and just now the ECG results doesn look good. dr choi say my heart rate is indeed quite low. so he going to refer me to heart specialist at SKH. and i receive the appointment quite fast and is after CNY. i don't know how the outcome will be. but i need to write a WILL ASAP. pei jing say death is not scary the one who suffer is normally the one who live behind. i cant bear the thought if really something happen to me the kids how. although nothing is done yet i should not think so much. but i cant help not to think since my mum died of cardiac arrest or heart attack. what are the chances that i wont get it. and owen had asthma some more. all could be link. i'm praying that the DPS can be approved and at least the kids will have something the next time i'm not around. but for their sake i will try to lose weight try to stay healthy try my all means to bring them up. the thought of them being an orphan i can't imagine that. and my dad i only left me also. no matter what i will try my very best to stay as healthy as i can. to protect my heart protect the kids.

rely

dar, i rely on you so much ever since we got married. you do everything i don't even need to do anything at all. from housework to fetching the kids to buying food for them etc.. all are done by you. you are the best man that i have ever know in my life. is it heaven see that im too used to having such a good life thus take you away from me. and makes me start everything over again. last time when im single i do all household in hougang because ah ma is old. now i got to redo all the household again. haiz dar i saw the sleepwear u wore the night before hanging at the stand there. i immediately take n sniff n then kept it inside the wardrobe. i intend to vacuum pack the towel, the clothes and even the pillow case. i want to maintain the last scent of you. i even have the thought of bringing it with me when i die the next time i sound pervert but thats the only way i can have it this way, i don't wish to and i don't want to touch or throw any of your things away. i have been crying on and off for the past 2 weeks. whenever i think of you i just cry. i cant help it or control it. the tears just cant but flowing down. whenever people ask about you i will talk until cry. my heart feel so empty feel so lonely. whenever i see the wallpaper is you i'm always missing you. feel like hugging you again. will we ever meet again ma. will we still meet again the next life? i still want to be with you i still want to marry you. the remaining days or life without you around feels weird and lonely. like what owen say de feel so lonely without you around. yes i agree with him. coz deep down in my heart i do feel lonely. im so loss without you around. im just like a baby need to learn everything. you make me rely on you so much until now im so not used to it. you never pre-empt me that is time for me to be independent. is never easy for me and for my mental health. i know i need to seek help, i need to go for counselling for myself also. after i settle down i will seek appointment at the grief support group. i duno if they can help me. but i know im not alone im just not used to it. coz we are together for so many years and suddenly im alone.

can't bear

dar, today when im about to wash the clothes i wanted to take the towel you last used and put it to wash. but there's a smell of ur body in it. and somehow i put it back to the toilet and kept it hanging there. i can't bear to wash it coz have your smell. the thought of the smell makes me think of you think that you are still inside the house. i can't bear to throw away any of your clothes either. until now whenever i talk to the boys about you i cant help to cry. just like dad say this dad say that. once the word dad is out of my mouth i cant help but to cry. today meimei show me her drawing then i ask why no papa. she say papa is sleeping and black black so she don't like. then i tell her must remember how papa looks like in white colour. i guess she refering to the cremation that day. i told the boys later on go carpark and take a picture of the car and them. and let them sit inside the car for the last time. if not no more chance liao le. they wanted me to keep the car but who is going to pay for the monthly instalment when im not even working. your cpf money is meant for them to study in future if they ever get into university. i cant use that money. ur savings i will keep it for them also. you know i dont anyhow spend money other than buy toys for them. but that is on taobao nia. now i also try not to spend so much liao le. is enough to last us for many yrs, just now korkor ask me so the taiwan trip in dec are we still proceeding. i told him to go ask ur sister. i wish to bring him go but i don't know if i will be in the right mind ma. will i still be griefing or can i handle the 3 kids myself if go oversea ma. i think ur sis also will be worried if i bring them go myself. is been 2 weeks since u left us. until now there's not a single day i never think of you or miss you. i always wish time can turn back to the day you were gone. i really wish there's a second life.

I wish

dar i really wish the one who is dead is me and not you. i really cannt communicate with your sons. you say that no wonder they hate me. they must be thinking that why the one who is dead is you and not me. i also wish that could happen to me instead. at least they will respect you. they dont even respect me at all. i got no stand in this family you know right. sometimes i really wish to join you and wash hands off entirely. im so freaking tired. why heaven never come take me away why take you away instead. i feel my life might get shorten over the next few years. who knows maybe next yr i also same as you. i think i really need to go seek help soon liao le. coz i know my mental is really not so good now

how long more

dardar i dont know how long more i can stop crying whenever i think of you. every single little thing that i does i always think of you. washing the dish i cry because i think of you. just now ur colleague Louis and Director shirley came over to collect ur work laptop and ipad and workpass etc... when i spoke to them about you i cant help but want to cry liao... i told them your colleagues and ex colleagues and vendor and ex vendor is all around singapore. when i say that i think of the words that i told you before. that i cannt cheat on you de because your friend is all around singapore later they caught me cheating. and i was laughing when i told you this and you still say yes u got spy all around singapore. every single words that we talk about is all inside me. how am i going to survive for the next decades without you. without your nonsense and your jokes. and your laughter. i dare not move your water bottle in the study room. clearing your stuff i saw those paper with your handwriting on it i also cant bear to throw away. looking at the mess at home i always think of you nagging at me ask me to clear up and i always say later. then u always say later later later will never happen. xiao gu last night say i had a good life for past over 17 yrs now is time to suffer. and wait till the kids are much older then i will be more relax le. i don't even know if can survive till then. my mental health is not as strong as what they see. i also putting up a strong front. but when im alone in the house facing the four walls you don't know i keep on crying every now n then. every time i heard someone coughing i always thought is you and looking out of our house door but it happen to be the neighbour. is so quiet now at home without your coughing and talking and scolding of the kids. i really miss you i want to hug you again.

diagram

dar, as im doing the ICA2 for Macroeconomic, my thoughts is all you. coz i remember how you guide me how to draw the diagram in the MS word, how you guide me how to do all my ICA. now without you beside me i feel so uneasy. you are the man that i have met who knows everything. until now i still cant accept the fact that you have left me. i have been putting strong upfront. but deep inside my heart i missed you so much. looking at the wallpaper of the pic that i last took on you at ikea. i can't help not to think of you. i have been living in guilt. i keep on thinking is it my fault that causes this to happen. if i have been more curious to go inside room and find out what things drop or even shout at you. would i be able to stop this from happening. there's no what if i know. but i really wish the clock can go back on time. i think this guilt inside me will follow me all the way till im dead ba. we got so many plans and things want to do together yet you didn deliver them. we say to go on a couple trip during our 20 yrs wedding anniversary but it can't be done anymore. we say want to bring the kids to melbourne to watch the penqguin island and this cant be fulfil anymore. we also say want to bring the kids to where our honeymoon is. this also cant be fulfil anymore. i always feel you can do better than i am in this family. why the one who left is not me. why!!!! the house is so quiet without you around. your coughing, your talking. who is going to fulfil the emptiness in my heart. dar, you know the christmas song right. all i want for christmas is you. but now i wanted to say is all i want is for u to come back to me. i know is impossible.

stop rushing me

dardar, do you know ur car now is a big issue. i want to wait for the probate letter to be out then sell but sis keep on chasing me asking me to call maybank to reprocess the car. i feel like i cant breathe anymore. im being push to the walls. i want to sell the car and get the proceeds back. i'm so tired dealing your car seriously. why you must leave me behind. can i join you instead. i'm so afraid my mental cant cope any longer. i really want a break. can i just run away and leave everything behind? i can't coz i still got the 3 kids. i got no more me time life. all my life now is running between the 3 kids. i have the rights to make decision right. is it because of your endless contributing and thus your body cannt handle the stress? thats why you leave me so sudden. i also feel like joining you but i still got the 3 kids and especially meimei is still so young. i want to see them grow up also. but will my body able to handle the stress till then? i got no idea. life is so fragile nowadays. who knows the next one might be me leaving the world. the kids is now my strength for me to carry on. i cant collapse, but nobody can tell what will happen next. i only know i'm so tired, be it mentally or physically. i'm not used to the routine now but i got no choice do i.

Helpless

dardar, you will give me strength for me to carry on right. i have never felt so helpless before. im too relying on you liao le. because of your selfless love and pamper that makes me so helpless. i scare im not able to be as good as you are with the kids. im so mentally tired. i feel my heart like not as good as before. i also scare what if one day im like you and out of sudden collapse. what would happen to the 3 kids. they are going to be orphan. i dont want the kids to never have any parent love like i do. i want them to know the love that we have for them. i have never thought of this day before. really. why this thing happen to me. is it heaven see me have a good life with no worry so this thing happen to me. so i need to learn to grow up without any happiness anymore. i thought i will be more calm after crying and pouring all out. but whenever i think of you i still cant help but cry. i too also need councillor not only your kids. im not mentally prepared to face this situation but for the 3 kids i must be strong. but how strong can i be. xiao gu told me my mentally need to be strong. but im so tired. if we dont have any kids at all i probably cant survive either. but we have 3 kids our 爱的结晶. for them i must stay strong. but im also a human i also want someone to love me. where are you. you are suppose to be the one who love me dont you.

You promise me

dardar, you mention that even if got kids i still can sleep late. but where are you now. all the promises you made is gone now. do you know you have spoil the kids until i cant even do the job as good as you are. i cant be like you wake up early and go buy breakfast for them. i still want my sleep. i really miss you. how am i going to survive for the rest of my life without you around. all along im under your protection. but now i got to step out. i scare i cant handle the pressure and i feel so hard to breathe. why the one who's gone is not me. i rather im the one who is away in this house and not you.

Meimei misses you

dardar, today phoebe told me she misses you. first time after your passing she suddenly tell me she misses you and even ask where are you now. how to tell her u no longer around? i only tell her u are sleeping and have gone up to watch over us. she even us when are you coming down to earth. i wish the kids didn follow my footstep that lost any of the parents but yet it did happen. the difference is you were with them when they were born until now coming to 12 yr old and 9 year old. and meimei going to 5 yr old. all the memories they had with you is real. my case is different becoz i lost my mum when im a baby which totally had no recollection at all. im not as painful as them. your passing is a double blow to any of us in the family. if ah ma is around she sure worried for me as well. am i going to say i no longer 幸福 anymore. coz you are not there anymore. ah ma every time say i very good life but now my life is no longer good life.

I really wish

dardar i dream of you again. this time round is i dream of you fetching the kids back from sch. and you still can talk to me say i dont wish you to come back is it. i immediately rush up and hug you. i know this dream is not real is just because i miss you so much that i want you to come back to me. i thought im ok after crying out that day. but now as i write i still tears up thinking of you. remember when we are dating that time i start to write blog and you follow me. what makes my impression deep is you wrote that you will pamper me until i cant live without you. and indeed i really cant live without you. you have pamper me for 20 over years why dont you want to continue pamper me.

Icloud

dardar when you are around those computer savy all are done by you. now you not around im so scare that the nas will corrupted or even collapse same like u. so now i purchase 200gb frm icloud and i start to copy over frm the nas to the icloud. this is one of the better plan for me liao le. coz i dont want to lose those pictures and video that we have. that night i show owen the birthday video which you recorded and he cried. he misses you and i too also misses you. i still will cry whenever i spoke with you in it. how not to cry... everything happen too fast. how nice if there's really a go back to life thing which happen in those short drama. but in real life i know is impossible. you always tell me continue to dream

Dream

dardar last night i was just asking if you can come to my dream and you did but is so unreal because i saw you coming back to life. is it you also wish that you can come back to life too? are you blaming me? xiao gu n marilyn came back specially to accompany me im doing ok with their companion but once im alone i start to miss you and your voices. what am i going to do. xiao gu ask me not to keep blaming myself but i cant help it. without ur financial support how am i going to survive. we are so used to your chauffering of fetching us here n there. now we got to take public transport. everybody used to say i have a tai tai life n even ah ma also say i had a good life but now i no longer had that anymore. who is going to protect us from now. who is going to protect me. who is going to protect the kids. i really wish it did happen that you come back to life. where are you now. i miss your voice but i couldnt find any video of you. all are the kids and when is the last time we even took a couple pic. all the pic are the family pic. i can no longer shop as freely as i can. why you dont want to continue pamper me why. since you have pamper me since 2004 why not continue why. i can no longer go back to the usual life that i used to have. nobody is going to pamper me pamper the kids from now on.

First day without you around

dardar, jenny offer to fetch the kids to sch for this whole week. next week onwards they will be on their own liao. the sch principal say they will arrange sch bus to pick them up. didi heard if morning need to take train to sch he abit reluctant i told him there will be sch bus. he say he will take sch bus. but coming back part i dont know if the 2 boys want to continue take mrt back home or take sch bus. since now we have already apply for the FAS and sch bus is free for us. i dont what time the boys slept last night but for me i really is cry until slp. even now when im typing here i still trying to hold my tears. will i cry until im blind ma. i have been crying since last thurs. i really miss you so much to the extent i went to customise a plushie with your face in it. and i also browse through our picture our last couple pic is in year 2020. ever since got the kids we always take pic of the kids we hardly had a couple pic. i miss holding your hands. i miss your warmth. i miss your hug thats why i went to customise the plushie with your face in it. so i can hug it i just want a hug from you. and to replace the space that is empty at the bed. dar you know now i will go apply any financial scheme i have right even though i know ur cpf can last me for quite sometime. but i still got until end of this year to go and plus if can i also dont wish to bother your sis too much. when you are around that time you always dont like to bother people also. but your sis now is holding the bai jin for me and even though i somehow abit dont like it but nvm since your sis say will transfer to me if i need the money.

Something is amiss

dear you know the 2 boys say they cant slp because something is missing which is you. i also feel the same as them. i miss talking to you. i have been blaming myself is it my fault if i should go to the room and see what is the thing that falls down. maybe you will be save? is it all my fault that you left us forever? i have never expect that things fall down is you. our study room always got things that fall down but how would i expect it to be you. i know many ppl say i shouldnt blame myself is just a accident but i cant help but blame myself for it. that the 3 kids lost their dad at such young age. you know the 2 boys are so close to you. i scare i cant do as well as you did with the boys.

Heartbroken day

i miss you alot dear really. what m i going to do without you in my life from now on. i miss talking to you. complaining to you about the kids. im so used to your snoring your sleep talk occasionally. but now i got to get used without having you in my life. who can i talk to who can i share my daily affair