Weekend

dardar, weekend used to be a busy day for me but last week n this week owen doesn have swimming and the tuition has push to morning also coz the tutor feel dylan is better in the morning. im looking at tiktok and saw lim ming lun video, he n his wife travel to perth n drive the campervan around, seeing his video makes me think of you. coz we also wanted that also. and it can happen in our 20 yrs of wedding anniversary. but now you not here. this yr our 17th wedding anniversary there wont be anymore celebration. i misses you alot. to the extend i make photo magnet to put at the storeroom, i make customise pillow case, i also make another plushie, i even went to make shirt n watches. dylan was telling me dad is around the houses but i say i want him to be in the house i want to have the feeling of him in the house. last thurs went for this care n grief support group i met a few mummies. their hub is the same as you also sudden death. and their kids is much younger then ours. pei jing say im fortunate enough because i have the support and friends surrounding me. it takes time, tears and talk. now im still adjusting to the world without you around. have i really come to the acceptance of you being gone forever.

dream

daradar, i got so much things to tell you just that this week no time to come inside here to tell you. last sun brought ur gal to her frien birthday party and you know where is it? is at punggol coast the indoor playground which we pass by that time, then i even tell you probably can bring the kids come here n play. then you for didi n meimei probably yes but not for dylan coz he too big liao le. i didn know that place can hold birthday party some more. then after that bring her go sushi-go have dinner. then we took bus 104, and it was a long journey despite the bus stop is just behind our block. we board the bus at 7pm and by the time we reach home is around 7:30pm liao le. frm sky bright until sky dark haha what a journey. and i think i KO before 10pm on sunday night. i was too tired liao le this week is a busy week for me also, mon went to have my facial then tues went out to meet angeline to discuss our insurance. we need to downgrade the plan coz is way too expensive for me to pay liao le when you are not around. and even if next time i go out work there's no way i can afford it also. so we sign the form to downgrade the plan. then i also ask her if there's any life insurance with savings for the kids. she say she told you to buy last time but u keep on refuse it. if you have bought it then maybe now we not so worried about the money lor. then today i went to kovan to purchase the fish, last sat i went to transfer all the fishes to the small tank so i can wash the big tank. and you know what, all the fishes die except for the sucking fish which is still alive. i went back to buy back the exact same fish and i didn know is so tiny, i ask the sales guy the fish will grow big de ar he say yes will grow de. how come that time i ask you is it the fish grow big you still say this type of small fish wont grow big de. even the sucking fish also grow until big big lor. i also bought another colour of sucking fish. since meimei is so scare of the black colour sucking fish. then after that come back i went for my heart appointment, everything is ok as per what the doctor has say. but still i thinking of doing up a WILL. don't know if i should go find Lum to do it or just get it outside from other lawyer? tml going to the IT show to hunt for the laptop. my laptop sometimes can feel the electric feeling and the top part is so hot, the harvey norman salesguy say the motherboard is dying soon. so hopefully tml can find a laptop thats below $2k. and then fri the boys no sch so thought of bringing them to nex to have lunch. dylan say want to learn how to take bus 104, so i got to teach him how to take the bus back. oh and sis finally ok to open a joint account with me to manage your bai jin, thats after wei long suggest to me de, he say why the bai jin is with her since is meant for me and the kids. and many people also ask me the same question, i told them i got no idea, i only say maybe she scare i anyhow spend money but nevertheless now at least i can see the money and i have the card and withdraw the money as and when. is still not so bad after all. and your big son, ms low call up yesterday and say classmates of dylan highlight to her that dylan keep saying he feel like dying because life is so meaningless. no meaning in life. you know last yr you are aware of his situation and now you are gone his situation might have gone worse. he keep saying he have depression, i told him you know what depression means, he say he is sad of everything. sad of you, sad of exam sad of everything. im scare the pressure on him is high due to the PSLE. and everyone surrounding him keep tell him to do well to make you feel proud. i dont know is it due to this issue thats why he is so sick of life. or is depression inherited? you know junda commit suicide is due to depression, and when i'm young i also got the thought of suicide. i tell sis about it. she say let's spend more time with him and monitor him. he tried to negiotate with me regards to the bedtime, he say he cannt slp so early. i told him get him to be in bed by 9:30pm doesn mean he will fall asleep so fast. i want him to keep his mind clear. and if can proves to me that by 9:30pm he settle everything then i shall nag less at him. which he has done so. i only remind him abt the time. and so far he has been keeping it. i told him to keep it up. oh and that night i dreamt of you again, and this time round you can talk, you say to me you are back. which i think you are, coz 2 weeks ago that saturday meimei de lantern the music suddenly on by itself. and i thought is the boys who are awake and accidentally kick it. but nobody is at the living room. so my only thought is you are trying to wake me up coz the timing is the timing need to bring owen for his swimming lesson. so need to settle his breakfast. oh i also bringing the boys go visit you next week and i also bringing the first batch of kim zua down. whether you can receive it anot is another issue, at least i want to buy for you the thought of it, sis told me not to overbuy. i didn dare show her the batch that i bought yesterday haha...

Disney

dardar how i wish i can show you those disney video showing their room tours. i wonder what you will say. will you even consider going to the cruise? the room is much bigger then RC and so many activities. probably you will say wait for a few more years then we can consider going. i feel like going myself haha but really probably can wait a few years later n bring the kids there. you know the starhub nokia router is down? we have no internet for 2 days, we are now using our mobile phone data. dont know why to me ever since you are gone the house things slowly getting spoil if not is totally spoiled. first is the switch 1, follow by the gameboy which you bought for dylan, thirdly is my laptop going to gone case soon, fourth is the starhub nokia router which don't know why no internet. fifth is the mbr toilet the lights sometimes ok sometimes not ok. lastly one of the fish dead last month. pei jing say because last time you are the one handling all these thats why i never notice it at all.

mood

dardar, last sun went to weilong house as usual for the cny gathering. but this time round we were late coz need to wait for meimei n didi to finish their music n drum lesson. n the didn stayed long also n also notice they never do the lohei as well. not sure is it everybody also dont have the mood like me. and we are the last to leave wei long fetch us home and we are chatting and wei long say if the starhub entertainment we are not watching we should cut down. and as for the bai jin that sis is holding he suggest we open a joint account so i can monitor if not if anything happens again i got no access to it. so i msg sis for suggestion to open a joint account n she agreed. so yesterday we went to nex n open a joint account in ocbc branch n follow by lunch. last night had a argument again with ur boy haiz i really duno hw to communicate with him, his time management is really a issue n no initative which you also aware of it de. n his maths seems to downgrade also, never improve. i also duno is it due to you not around anymore thats why he also cant pull himself up. whenever i passby yakun i always have the memory of you and me having breakfast together. and to think of it that was the last breakfast we had together that day. n on saturday the music lantern at living room suddenly turn on the music, i thought is the boys that wake up accidentally kick it and when i come out nobody is in the living room. and i was telling the boys maybe is ur dad that trying to wake me up coz need to prepare breakfast for owen n get ready to go for swimming lesson. i wish you really in the house but in another form of presence, at least i still can feel you. i duno whether is it really you or just part of my wish thinking. then last night got this mummy she msg me this nurse course and ask me can try. i told her nurse need to work shift and who is going to help take care of my gal in the night. i duno she got no brain or what even though i know her intention is mean well but i got no extra help leh she different she got maid, got fil and got husband. and she only got 1 kid. im different i got 3 kids and plus u no more around so meaning i lagi no more help at all. and i can't afford to continue to go study also. and she knows our 5 yr old gal will be sticky same like her gal and she still can suggest this type of idea to me. rubbish thinking. really is speechless.

stress

dar, yesterday i went for my 1st car refresher course. i didn expect myself to drive again after so many years. i don't even know why i want to go learn again in the first place. will i dare to drive ma after all the practice. today i went for the heart appointment the doc arrange a heart scanning next week. she say i probably is due to griefing thus having this type of heavy breathing. and i was looking at the expenditure, and i'm stress that just the food itself already spend up to $1266 liao and i haven include the kids enrichment, tuition, retail shopping, my insurance, the utilities and the starhub bill. i think your bai jin can only last until end of this year nia. i doesn want to touch on the cpf bulk of money so fast coz need to last for another few more yrs if can. i want to go back workforce but then the timing all doesn't suits me at all. and you know my laptop is going to die soon? you are suppose to buy new laptop for me last year but you upgrade the software and tell me try use first and see if it works. but now the laptop keep on hang and hang. and even i restart the laptop it took ages to complete. ever since you are gone, the things in the house keep spoil one by one. nintendo switch 1 is spoil and the gameboy u bought for dylan also spoil. and one of the fish also dead. and now my laptop soon to be i guess.

So clean

dar, i engage a cleaner from urban cleaning company to clean the toilet and is super clean haha im so impress how the maid clean it so well. is like back to our post reno toilet 5 years ago. u must be scolding me anyhow spend money. last time when im working i got the ability and i also ask if want to engage cleaner to come clean. but you reject u say u will clean. sometimes just spend abit of money and you can get the results. how i wish you can see the results yourself. even dylan also ask me if i ask someone to clean the toilet coz is so clean. i say ya i engage ppl to come clean the toilet. then he ask what about the other toilet i told him next month. owen say when he come back he go toilet he say he smell like the cruise toilet. dar, today i was cleaning the stove the left side de stove again hard to take out. you must be saying me liao le never clean every time i cook if not is the soup that i boil overflow. i even got to go ask chatgpt how to clean the middle part. without you around i everything also need to go google if not is go ask chatgpt. i feel like im not a everything know it all person. everything i also duno. i only know hw to cook n do housework. what other thing i know there's nothing. i dont even know why you choose me as a wife. a everything also duno de wife.

How

dardar, that day dylan ask me why time past so fast. to me where got fast i find it slow because life without you seem so slow. he find it fast because he having his WA this week and then in another 7 more months is his psle liao le. yesterday i went to see dr choi for my sore throat and you must be shaking head and say whats new. your usual reply. i told dr choi my sore throat must be frm the shouting of the kids otherwise i now cut down on snacks n yet i still can kana sore throat. this few days i have been like blaming you. why you never go do a proper health checkup. why you never monitor your blood pressure liao le why when we ask you to see specialist for your prolong cough back then you also refuse. why ask you go get insurance u also refuse. my self blame n guilt starting to turn the arrow onto you. blame everything on you. why you never take good care of yourself and leave us behind. leave the kids behind, you know how much the kids misses you ma. have you ever wonder if they can ever walk out of the sadness ma especially dylan. sometimes i always say you stop being so selfish. keep saying one day if you die then how. you never think of the consequences. can we even survive when im not even working. i wish i can go back workforce but how to. who will cook for the boys to eat when they are back from sch. you know your boys are so picky. if ask them to settle their own they sure buy mcd daily de lucky i only have sore throat. what if i kana stomach flu again. then how.

meimei misses you

dar, just now when i was showering meimei she ask me why are you not staying in our house anymore. i say u are staying at your new house. she say she wants papa to come back n stay with us. she say she misses papa she misses papa car. i told her we all misses papa misses papa car also. all of us are so used of being fetch around by you. especially the kids. but without you around there's no way i can keep your car, i ever told the boys that if i tio a huge windfall probably can keep your car. so far i dont have such luck also. unless you really bless us with a huge windfall that can sustain the whole family until meimei go p6. and i dont have to go back to workforce so fast. and can even settle your car loan. otherwise we are really relying on your savings liao le which i dont even know can last until when. i have been cooking at home since day 1 ever since you are gone. sometimes i'm so tired of it. last time i cook you wash the dishes but now i cook and also i wash the dishes. i really wish the clock can turn back just like those short drama that i watch. die already n reborn back to the past. but in reality is not like this. once gone means gone.

uploading

dar, i was uploadinng songs into cloud drive coz without you around i know when will the Nas go corrupted or spoil then all our pictures and video will be all gone. then i slowly transfer those music and pictures. i was browsing through some of the music which happens to be yours. mariah carey song without you, because you love me by celine dion. alot of songs which both of us listen together before, and even the musical drama. our last musical drama is Miss Saigon and Phantom of the Opera. my heart feel so heavy, didi told the counsellor say he feel so bored this cny without you around. even i also feel the same. our live is never gonna be the same again. how am i going to answer to meimei if she ever ask why other children got papa and where is our papa. i dont even know how to answer this to her.

No mood

dar, today is the first day of cny and how to stay happy when im not happy at all. if can i really dont wish to go celebrate cny at all. but for the kids sake i got to go. you are the one love playing mj every time we go mum place. this yr i played on behalf for you. the kids so not used to being take bus around especially dylan, coz he is so used to being chauffer around. not only him i also not used to it. every time we go out you are the one who will drive us around. i duno hw to enjoy the festival for the future without you around. is like my heart also dead the day you were gone. it times take to heal, times take to adapt life without you. thats what many ppl told me. and so fast the first day already ended.

Endure

dar, this year feel so weird without you around. first time bring the kids take bus go your mum place. and after that bring them back taking bus also. just now mum place your fav food at one corner of the table and treat it you are still here. and im holding my tears when im there. im still trying to adapt the life without you around. i know you wont come back to life anymore but somehow in my dream i still wishes you to come back. i wish i can forever stay in that dream. the 5 of us together. i still cant accept the fact you are gone. sometimes im blaming you that you never take good care of your health. your death is so sudden for me to accept it. yesterday brought the kids to genki to eat for dinner and when otw back home owen spoil a water bottle at the miniso. i told the staff go ask your boy for money then. i just walk off, i angrily scold your boy. this wouldnt have happen if you still here. the kids not scare of me. only scare of you. this year suppose to be your zodiac year yet you are not around to enjoy the year. i totally dont have the mood at all and i cant seems to be happy at all also. wanted to cny goodies this year end up also never bake. coz no mood at all. all i feel is sadness and emptiness

surprise

dar, i went to a counsellor yesterday. and i know i had to go counselling coz my mental mind is not good at all. coz i got the thought of joining you at the other end but the 3 children is my strength especially meimei. seeing her makes me happy. for their sake i got to pull myself up. and i'm reading the book that the counsellor pass to me and i'm quite surprise that many widows eventually become christian. which i don't understand. the book is Strength to Live, is compiled by over 30 widows which i'm like really so many? just now one of the fellow widow mummy came over, she bought some plushie n goodies for your kids. her hub same thing as you also heart attack but he was only 35 yr old. last time you always say what if you die first what will happen, we never really had a talk about it. if time can go back i will really tell u that stop being so selfish you should consider us more. go for body checkup. i believe you ignore those symptoms and thus this thing happen. the book mention health issue which most widow will worry what happen if they also had the same issue as the spouse n the kids will become orphan. this is exactly what i'm thinking also. this book wrote alot of what i feel. and now i'm back to my intermitten fasting again. coz i got no time to eat liao le or rather not much of appetite also. without you around i also don't eat much and to think my fav snacking i also cut down until i myself also don't really believe it. but i bought bubble tea that day, i drank it and feel so shiok about it. i should pamper myself more but i rather save on myself and spend more on your kids instead. thats what you did to them isn't it.