oh ya i haven been postin my photos in here. let's see if i can post my weddin photos in here anot haha....

who is going to help me

dardar who is going to help me or give me advice for my study and many other things. i just re-record my video. if i re-record the vide on thurs morning and sitting beisde you, does that mean i can view exactly what happen to you? is all my fault this thing happen, looking at the chair you seating on while doing your work. why you must be the one leave me first. why im not the one instead. why... all of us are not used to it. without you around, i want my hug, i want us to blicker to quarrel to discuss things. i can't always rely on friends, i can only rely on myself. i dont want to grow up i want to continue to live under your care dardar. but where are you now. you protect us for so long why cant you continue protecting us why you must leave us so early. who is going to share drink with me when i cant finish the drink. who is going to bring us for oversea trip, for gathering, for outing. i want you to come back dar, i wish to join you also but we still got 3 kids. they need me. for them i must move on

i miss you

dardar, looking at our past pictures i cant help but still cry, i thought i can manage my sadness and grief but i still miss you alot, i want you to come back to us. why you leave us behind. why!!! just now didi ask me things and i slipped out of my mouth too fast and say go find dad. i'm so used of you in the house. i still cant accept that you have left us for good. i got no mood for anything and everything. the snacks in the storeroom i didn even touch it. no mood to snack no mood to eat. even the drinks that i order for you i also left untouch. this yr cny i also no mood at all. i only know i miss you alot... when i know you im only 18 years old. and we have been together since and how am i suppose to continue my life without you beside me. where can i get the strength from. i really don't know how... if god is there can you help me can you give me the strength to carry on my life... that day i chance upon the cards that i wrote to you when we are still dating. and i wrote you treat me too good until i cant live without you. indeed i cant live without you. if we don't have any kids at all i probably will have go join you liao le. ever since im with you my religion becoming more and more free thinker liao le. got one side of me i really wish to go become christian or even catholic. but then i don't like the talking of long hours haha... first time i keep using tissue for my tears for my nose. when ah ma died i also wont keep on crying for the entire month. it's coming to 1 month ever since you left us. i on off still cry when im alone. god, please give me the strength.. i really need it. i feel like i dont have any strength to move on. i'm stuck at the day that you left us for good. when someone ask me am i managing ok. am i coping well. i just reply yes i'm managing i'm coping well. but the true is i'm not. i don't want ppl to worry about me. will i get depression because i dont have the strength to continue. all my mind is will you come take me away. i guess i need to go find a counsellor soon coz is not healthy for me at all. keep on having these negative thoughts or mind.

guilt

dardar, i dream of you again. is our usual breakfast place and i was talking to you about why you nv apply DPS, why you never make the WILL why you never make additional car owner in your car etc... and all you do is smile at me while i do the talking. are you blaming me that why i didn save you in time? or why i never go check in the study room? do you know i have been living this guilt and self blame ever since you are gone. i can never forgive myself at all. if im curious enough to go check in the study room does that mean you will be save?

memories

dar, just now i bring the kids to compass point genki for dinner. then when i was eating i was crying inside my heart. coz the memories of you having dinner or lunch with us. who will share the drink with me. who will eat those food which i don't eat de. we always pass to you to eat. but just now nobody to pass to. i'm also trying to put up a strong front. but i know deep down my heart im crying already. even now while im typing i also feel like crying but im just controlling only. i have also book a car refresher. owen keep asking me to drive car. you know i got no confidence in driving coz im so scare. and the responsibility taken is even higher. i'm so afraid i cant do as well as you are. last time always ask them to find you but now all look for me and i got no answer for them. i'm not as smart as you are. i dont even know why you will choose me for your wife when im so stupid. all i know is cook and care for them. all those sch work i know nothing at all. i can't even help them. i feel so useless. you know you are the man that can do all things so well. taking care of the family so well. everytime u say u are like taking care of 4 kids, i also feel like i'm a kid that cant grow up. i think i ever asked you before why choose me to be ur gf when your condition is so good but i can't remember what you say le. i was looking back at our past pictures from young to old. and when was the last time we had a couple pic. i couldnt even find any recent de. all are with the kids. sometimes taking the lrt i cant help but will try to cry but i hold back, how to forget and control myself.

how

dar, today i went to find dr choi to do blood test since the DPS im applying also request me to have the latest blood results. then i tell dr choi i want to do the ECG since of your episode and last 3 weeks i told him i don't know is it due to my emotional stress or psychology issue my heart feel very heavy. there are times whereby i need to have a deep breathing. and just now the ECG results doesn look good. dr choi say my heart rate is indeed quite low. so he going to refer me to heart specialist at SKH. and i receive the appointment quite fast and is after CNY. i don't know how the outcome will be. but i need to write a WILL ASAP. pei jing say death is not scary the one who suffer is normally the one who live behind. i cant bear the thought if really something happen to me the kids how. although nothing is done yet i should not think so much. but i cant help not to think since my mum died of cardiac arrest or heart attack. what are the chances that i wont get it. and owen had asthma some more. all could be link. i'm praying that the DPS can be approved and at least the kids will have something the next time i'm not around. but for their sake i will try to lose weight try to stay healthy try my all means to bring them up. the thought of them being an orphan i can't imagine that. and my dad i only left me also. no matter what i will try my very best to stay as healthy as i can. to protect my heart protect the kids.

rely

dar, i rely on you so much ever since we got married. you do everything i don't even need to do anything at all. from housework to fetching the kids to buying food for them etc.. all are done by you. you are the best man that i have ever know in my life. is it heaven see that im too used to having such a good life thus take you away from me. and makes me start everything over again. last time when im single i do all household in hougang because ah ma is old. now i got to redo all the household again. haiz dar i saw the sleepwear u wore the night before hanging at the stand there. i immediately take n sniff n then kept it inside the wardrobe. i intend to vacuum pack the towel, the clothes and even the pillow case. i want to maintain the last scent of you. i even have the thought of bringing it with me when i die the next time i sound pervert but thats the only way i can have it this way, i don't wish to and i don't want to touch or throw any of your things away. i have been crying on and off for the past 2 weeks. whenever i think of you i just cry. i cant help it or control it. the tears just cant but flowing down. whenever people ask about you i will talk until cry. my heart feel so empty feel so lonely. whenever i see the wallpaper is you i'm always missing you. feel like hugging you again. will we ever meet again ma. will we still meet again the next life? i still want to be with you i still want to marry you. the remaining days or life without you around feels weird and lonely. like what owen say de feel so lonely without you around. yes i agree with him. coz deep down in my heart i do feel lonely. im so loss without you around. im just like a baby need to learn everything. you make me rely on you so much until now im so not used to it. you never pre-empt me that is time for me to be independent. is never easy for me and for my mental health. i know i need to seek help, i need to go for counselling for myself also. after i settle down i will seek appointment at the grief support group. i duno if they can help me. but i know im not alone im just not used to it. coz we are together for so many years and suddenly im alone.

can't bear

dar, today when im about to wash the clothes i wanted to take the towel you last used and put it to wash. but there's a smell of ur body in it. and somehow i put it back to the toilet and kept it hanging there. i can't bear to wash it coz have your smell. the thought of the smell makes me think of you think that you are still inside the house. i can't bear to throw away any of your clothes either. until now whenever i talk to the boys about you i cant help to cry. just like dad say this dad say that. once the word dad is out of my mouth i cant help but to cry. today meimei show me her drawing then i ask why no papa. she say papa is sleeping and black black so she don't like. then i tell her must remember how papa looks like in white colour. i guess she refering to the cremation that day. i told the boys later on go carpark and take a picture of the car and them. and let them sit inside the car for the last time. if not no more chance liao le. they wanted me to keep the car but who is going to pay for the monthly instalment when im not even working. your cpf money is meant for them to study in future if they ever get into university. i cant use that money. ur savings i will keep it for them also. you know i dont anyhow spend money other than buy toys for them. but that is on taobao nia. now i also try not to spend so much liao le. is enough to last us for many yrs, just now korkor ask me so the taiwan trip in dec are we still proceeding. i told him to go ask ur sister. i wish to bring him go but i don't know if i will be in the right mind ma. will i still be griefing or can i handle the 3 kids myself if go oversea ma. i think ur sis also will be worried if i bring them go myself. is been 2 weeks since u left us. until now there's not a single day i never think of you or miss you. i always wish time can turn back to the day you were gone. i really wish there's a second life.

I wish

dar i really wish the one who is dead is me and not you. i really cannt communicate with your sons. you say that no wonder they hate me. they must be thinking that why the one who is dead is you and not me. i also wish that could happen to me instead. at least they will respect you. they dont even respect me at all. i got no stand in this family you know right. sometimes i really wish to join you and wash hands off entirely. im so freaking tired. why heaven never come take me away why take you away instead. i feel my life might get shorten over the next few years. who knows maybe next yr i also same as you. i think i really need to go seek help soon liao le. coz i know my mental is really not so good now

how long more

dardar i dont know how long more i can stop crying whenever i think of you. every single little thing that i does i always think of you. washing the dish i cry because i think of you. just now ur colleague Louis and Director shirley came over to collect ur work laptop and ipad and workpass etc... when i spoke to them about you i cant help but want to cry liao... i told them your colleagues and ex colleagues and vendor and ex vendor is all around singapore. when i say that i think of the words that i told you before. that i cannt cheat on you de because your friend is all around singapore later they caught me cheating. and i was laughing when i told you this and you still say yes u got spy all around singapore. every single words that we talk about is all inside me. how am i going to survive for the next decades without you. without your nonsense and your jokes. and your laughter. i dare not move your water bottle in the study room. clearing your stuff i saw those paper with your handwriting on it i also cant bear to throw away. looking at the mess at home i always think of you nagging at me ask me to clear up and i always say later. then u always say later later later will never happen. xiao gu last night say i had a good life for past over 17 yrs now is time to suffer. and wait till the kids are much older then i will be more relax le. i don't even know if can survive till then. my mental health is not as strong as what they see. i also putting up a strong front. but when im alone in the house facing the four walls you don't know i keep on crying every now n then. every time i heard someone coughing i always thought is you and looking out of our house door but it happen to be the neighbour. is so quiet now at home without your coughing and talking and scolding of the kids. i really miss you i want to hug you again.

diagram

dar, as im doing the ICA2 for Macroeconomic, my thoughts is all you. coz i remember how you guide me how to draw the diagram in the MS word, how you guide me how to do all my ICA. now without you beside me i feel so uneasy. you are the man that i have met who knows everything. until now i still cant accept the fact that you have left me. i have been putting strong upfront. but deep inside my heart i missed you so much. looking at the wallpaper of the pic that i last took on you at ikea. i can't help not to think of you. i have been living in guilt. i keep on thinking is it my fault that causes this to happen. if i have been more curious to go inside room and find out what things drop or even shout at you. would i be able to stop this from happening. there's no what if i know. but i really wish the clock can go back on time. i think this guilt inside me will follow me all the way till im dead ba. we got so many plans and things want to do together yet you didn deliver them. we say to go on a couple trip during our 20 yrs wedding anniversary but it can't be done anymore. we say want to bring the kids to melbourne to watch the penqguin island and this cant be fulfil anymore. we also say want to bring the kids to where our honeymoon is. this also cant be fulfil anymore. i always feel you can do better than i am in this family. why the one who left is not me. why!!!! the house is so quiet without you around. your coughing, your talking. who is going to fulfil the emptiness in my heart. dar, you know the christmas song right. all i want for christmas is you. but now i wanted to say is all i want is for u to come back to me. i know is impossible.

stop rushing me

dardar, do you know ur car now is a big issue. i want to wait for the probate letter to be out then sell but sis keep on chasing me asking me to call maybank to reprocess the car. i feel like i cant breathe anymore. im being push to the walls. i want to sell the car and get the proceeds back. i'm so tired dealing your car seriously. why you must leave me behind. can i join you instead. i'm so afraid my mental cant cope any longer. i really want a break. can i just run away and leave everything behind? i can't coz i still got the 3 kids. i got no more me time life. all my life now is running between the 3 kids. i have the rights to make decision right. is it because of your endless contributing and thus your body cannt handle the stress? thats why you leave me so sudden. i also feel like joining you but i still got the 3 kids and especially meimei is still so young. i want to see them grow up also. but will my body able to handle the stress till then? i got no idea. life is so fragile nowadays. who knows the next one might be me leaving the world. the kids is now my strength for me to carry on. i cant collapse, but nobody can tell what will happen next. i only know i'm so tired, be it mentally or physically. i'm not used to the routine now but i got no choice do i.

Helpless

dardar, you will give me strength for me to carry on right. i have never felt so helpless before. im too relying on you liao le. because of your selfless love and pamper that makes me so helpless. i scare im not able to be as good as you are with the kids. im so mentally tired. i feel my heart like not as good as before. i also scare what if one day im like you and out of sudden collapse. what would happen to the 3 kids. they are going to be orphan. i dont want the kids to never have any parent love like i do. i want them to know the love that we have for them. i have never thought of this day before. really. why this thing happen to me. is it heaven see me have a good life with no worry so this thing happen to me. so i need to learn to grow up without any happiness anymore. i thought i will be more calm after crying and pouring all out. but whenever i think of you i still cant help but cry. i too also need councillor not only your kids. im not mentally prepared to face this situation but for the 3 kids i must be strong. but how strong can i be. xiao gu told me my mentally need to be strong. but im so tired. if we dont have any kids at all i probably cant survive either. but we have 3 kids our 爱的结晶. for them i must stay strong. but im also a human i also want someone to love me. where are you. you are suppose to be the one who love me dont you.