Spec

dardar meimei also join in the specs group family liao le the latest members. lucky her astigm is not that high so still can adjust back or no need to wear if she grows older. i have been listening to andy lau song 来生缘 i feel the lyrics really suits what i want to say. and also the song 谢谢你的爱 also by andy lau and also huang pin yuan de song 你怎么舍得我难过

First time

dardar i first time drove your car out for a car wash and also top up petrol. all these i have never done before. but just now after the car wash when coming out i mount the kerb haha i reverse but still the space for coming out is quite narrow i think. thats why mount kerb haha then i take the pic show ken of your car. then he say no wonder he kana the rain haha as usual those whoever wash the bike or car sure blame the person haha and rick is surprise that i got car license haha then he ask me got bike license anot i say i stopped lesson 3 at 2B haha last night i had a good talk with dylan and ask him if he knows where he goes wrong he say he know he shouldnt be so rude. he say he in a bad mood i told him never bring ur emotion to the family likewise i told him i also told u the same. when u are angry or frustrated at work dont bring it home and vent the anger on the family. i apologise to him for the remarks i make. it could be hurtful for him. i told him im still learning how to be a dad role. is not easy and we should probably give each other chance.

Quarrel again

dardar everytime i scold dylan you always the one medium man but now u not here who is going to be our medium man. i really dont know how to deal with him anymore. he's at a rebel stage now is it i too lenient towards him. he told me to mind my own business and say respect need to be earn. i told him i dont want him to grow up give ppl say he got mother give birth but no dad teach manner which is the truth because he really got no more dad. i really wish you are here to help me i miss you so much

Weekend

dardar, weekend used to be a busy day for me but last week n this week owen doesn have swimming and the tuition has push to morning also coz the tutor feel dylan is better in the morning. im looking at tiktok and saw lim ming lun video, he n his wife travel to perth n drive the campervan around, seeing his video makes me think of you. coz we also wanted that also. and it can happen in our 20 yrs of wedding anniversary. but now you not here. this yr our 17th wedding anniversary there wont be anymore celebration. i misses you alot. to the extend i make photo magnet to put at the storeroom, i make customise pillow case, i also make another plushie, i even went to make shirt n watches. dylan was telling me dad is around the houses but i say i want him to be in the house i want to have the feeling of him in the house. last thurs went for this care n grief support group i met a few mummies. their hub is the same as you also sudden death. and their kids is much younger then ours. pei jing say im fortunate enough because i have the support and friends surrounding me. it takes time, tears and talk. now im still adjusting to the world without you around. have i really come to the acceptance of you being gone forever.

dream

daradar, i got so much things to tell you just that this week no time to come inside here to tell you. last sun brought ur gal to her frien birthday party and you know where is it? is at punggol coast the indoor playground which we pass by that time, then i even tell you probably can bring the kids come here n play. then you for didi n meimei probably yes but not for dylan coz he too big liao le. i didn know that place can hold birthday party some more. then after that bring her go sushi-go have dinner. then we took bus 104, and it was a long journey despite the bus stop is just behind our block. we board the bus at 7pm and by the time we reach home is around 7:30pm liao le. frm sky bright until sky dark haha what a journey. and i think i KO before 10pm on sunday night. i was too tired liao le this week is a busy week for me also, mon went to have my facial then tues went out to meet angeline to discuss our insurance. we need to downgrade the plan coz is way too expensive for me to pay liao le when you are not around. and even if next time i go out work there's no way i can afford it also. so we sign the form to downgrade the plan. then i also ask her if there's any life insurance with savings for the kids. she say she told you to buy last time but u keep on refuse it. if you have bought it then maybe now we not so worried about the money lor. then today i went to kovan to purchase the fish, last sat i went to transfer all the fishes to the small tank so i can wash the big tank. and you know what, all the fishes die except for the sucking fish which is still alive. i went back to buy back the exact same fish and i didn know is so tiny, i ask the sales guy the fish will grow big de ar he say yes will grow de. how come that time i ask you is it the fish grow big you still say this type of small fish wont grow big de. even the sucking fish also grow until big big lor. i also bought another colour of sucking fish. since meimei is so scare of the black colour sucking fish. then after that come back i went for my heart appointment, everything is ok as per what the doctor has say. but still i thinking of doing up a WILL. don't know if i should go find Lum to do it or just get it outside from other lawyer? tml going to the IT show to hunt for the laptop. my laptop sometimes can feel the electric feeling and the top part is so hot, the harvey norman salesguy say the motherboard is dying soon. so hopefully tml can find a laptop thats below $2k. and then fri the boys no sch so thought of bringing them to nex to have lunch. dylan say want to learn how to take bus 104, so i got to teach him how to take the bus back. oh and sis finally ok to open a joint account with me to manage your bai jin, thats after wei long suggest to me de, he say why the bai jin is with her since is meant for me and the kids. and many people also ask me the same question, i told them i got no idea, i only say maybe she scare i anyhow spend money but nevertheless now at least i can see the money and i have the card and withdraw the money as and when. is still not so bad after all. and your big son, ms low call up yesterday and say classmates of dylan highlight to her that dylan keep saying he feel like dying because life is so meaningless. no meaning in life. you know last yr you are aware of his situation and now you are gone his situation might have gone worse. he keep saying he have depression, i told him you know what depression means, he say he is sad of everything. sad of you, sad of exam sad of everything. im scare the pressure on him is high due to the PSLE. and everyone surrounding him keep tell him to do well to make you feel proud. i dont know is it due to this issue thats why he is so sick of life. or is depression inherited? you know junda commit suicide is due to depression, and when i'm young i also got the thought of suicide. i tell sis about it. she say let's spend more time with him and monitor him. he tried to negiotate with me regards to the bedtime, he say he cannt slp so early. i told him get him to be in bed by 9:30pm doesn mean he will fall asleep so fast. i want him to keep his mind clear. and if can proves to me that by 9:30pm he settle everything then i shall nag less at him. which he has done so. i only remind him abt the time. and so far he has been keeping it. i told him to keep it up. oh and that night i dreamt of you again, and this time round you can talk, you say to me you are back. which i think you are, coz 2 weeks ago that saturday meimei de lantern the music suddenly on by itself. and i thought is the boys who are awake and accidentally kick it. but nobody is at the living room. so my only thought is you are trying to wake me up coz the timing is the timing need to bring owen for his swimming lesson. so need to settle his breakfast. oh i also bringing the boys go visit you next week and i also bringing the first batch of kim zua down. whether you can receive it anot is another issue, at least i want to buy for you the thought of it, sis told me not to overbuy. i didn dare show her the batch that i bought yesterday haha...

Disney

dardar how i wish i can show you those disney video showing their room tours. i wonder what you will say. will you even consider going to the cruise? the room is much bigger then RC and so many activities. probably you will say wait for a few more years then we can consider going. i feel like going myself haha but really probably can wait a few years later n bring the kids there. you know the starhub nokia router is down? we have no internet for 2 days, we are now using our mobile phone data. dont know why to me ever since you are gone the house things slowly getting spoil if not is totally spoiled. first is the switch 1, follow by the gameboy which you bought for dylan, thirdly is my laptop going to gone case soon, fourth is the starhub nokia router which don't know why no internet. fifth is the mbr toilet the lights sometimes ok sometimes not ok. lastly one of the fish dead last month. pei jing say because last time you are the one handling all these thats why i never notice it at all.

mood

dardar, last sun went to weilong house as usual for the cny gathering. but this time round we were late coz need to wait for meimei n didi to finish their music n drum lesson. n the didn stayed long also n also notice they never do the lohei as well. not sure is it everybody also dont have the mood like me. and we are the last to leave wei long fetch us home and we are chatting and wei long say if the starhub entertainment we are not watching we should cut down. and as for the bai jin that sis is holding he suggest we open a joint account so i can monitor if not if anything happens again i got no access to it. so i msg sis for suggestion to open a joint account n she agreed. so yesterday we went to nex n open a joint account in ocbc branch n follow by lunch. last night had a argument again with ur boy haiz i really duno hw to communicate with him, his time management is really a issue n no initative which you also aware of it de. n his maths seems to downgrade also, never improve. i also duno is it due to you not around anymore thats why he also cant pull himself up. whenever i passby yakun i always have the memory of you and me having breakfast together. and to think of it that was the last breakfast we had together that day. n on saturday the music lantern at living room suddenly turn on the music, i thought is the boys that wake up accidentally kick it and when i come out nobody is in the living room. and i was telling the boys maybe is ur dad that trying to wake me up coz need to prepare breakfast for owen n get ready to go for swimming lesson. i wish you really in the house but in another form of presence, at least i still can feel you. i duno whether is it really you or just part of my wish thinking. then last night got this mummy she msg me this nurse course and ask me can try. i told her nurse need to work shift and who is going to help take care of my gal in the night. i duno she got no brain or what even though i know her intention is mean well but i got no extra help leh she different she got maid, got fil and got husband. and she only got 1 kid. im different i got 3 kids and plus u no more around so meaning i lagi no more help at all. and i can't afford to continue to go study also. and she knows our 5 yr old gal will be sticky same like her gal and she still can suggest this type of idea to me. rubbish thinking. really is speechless.

stress

dar, yesterday i went for my 1st car refresher course. i didn expect myself to drive again after so many years. i don't even know why i want to go learn again in the first place. will i dare to drive ma after all the practice. today i went for the heart appointment the doc arrange a heart scanning next week. she say i probably is due to griefing thus having this type of heavy breathing. and i was looking at the expenditure, and i'm stress that just the food itself already spend up to $1266 liao and i haven include the kids enrichment, tuition, retail shopping, my insurance, the utilities and the starhub bill. i think your bai jin can only last until end of this year nia. i doesn want to touch on the cpf bulk of money so fast coz need to last for another few more yrs if can. i want to go back workforce but then the timing all doesn't suits me at all. and you know my laptop is going to die soon? you are suppose to buy new laptop for me last year but you upgrade the software and tell me try use first and see if it works. but now the laptop keep on hang and hang. and even i restart the laptop it took ages to complete. ever since you are gone, the things in the house keep spoil one by one. nintendo switch 1 is spoil and the gameboy u bought for dylan also spoil. and one of the fish also dead. and now my laptop soon to be i guess.

So clean

dar, i engage a cleaner from urban cleaning company to clean the toilet and is super clean haha im so impress how the maid clean it so well. is like back to our post reno toilet 5 years ago. u must be scolding me anyhow spend money. last time when im working i got the ability and i also ask if want to engage cleaner to come clean. but you reject u say u will clean. sometimes just spend abit of money and you can get the results. how i wish you can see the results yourself. even dylan also ask me if i ask someone to clean the toilet coz is so clean. i say ya i engage ppl to come clean the toilet. then he ask what about the other toilet i told him next month. owen say when he come back he go toilet he say he smell like the cruise toilet. dar, today i was cleaning the stove the left side de stove again hard to take out. you must be saying me liao le never clean every time i cook if not is the soup that i boil overflow. i even got to go ask chatgpt how to clean the middle part. without you around i everything also need to go google if not is go ask chatgpt. i feel like im not a everything know it all person. everything i also duno. i only know hw to cook n do housework. what other thing i know there's nothing. i dont even know why you choose me as a wife. a everything also duno de wife.

How

dardar, that day dylan ask me why time past so fast. to me where got fast i find it slow because life without you seem so slow. he find it fast because he having his WA this week and then in another 7 more months is his psle liao le. yesterday i went to see dr choi for my sore throat and you must be shaking head and say whats new. your usual reply. i told dr choi my sore throat must be frm the shouting of the kids otherwise i now cut down on snacks n yet i still can kana sore throat. this few days i have been like blaming you. why you never go do a proper health checkup. why you never monitor your blood pressure liao le why when we ask you to see specialist for your prolong cough back then you also refuse. why ask you go get insurance u also refuse. my self blame n guilt starting to turn the arrow onto you. blame everything on you. why you never take good care of yourself and leave us behind. leave the kids behind, you know how much the kids misses you ma. have you ever wonder if they can ever walk out of the sadness ma especially dylan. sometimes i always say you stop being so selfish. keep saying one day if you die then how. you never think of the consequences. can we even survive when im not even working. i wish i can go back workforce but how to. who will cook for the boys to eat when they are back from sch. you know your boys are so picky. if ask them to settle their own they sure buy mcd daily de lucky i only have sore throat. what if i kana stomach flu again. then how.

meimei misses you

dar, just now when i was showering meimei she ask me why are you not staying in our house anymore. i say u are staying at your new house. she say she wants papa to come back n stay with us. she say she misses papa she misses papa car. i told her we all misses papa misses papa car also. all of us are so used of being fetch around by you. especially the kids. but without you around there's no way i can keep your car, i ever told the boys that if i tio a huge windfall probably can keep your car. so far i dont have such luck also. unless you really bless us with a huge windfall that can sustain the whole family until meimei go p6. and i dont have to go back to workforce so fast. and can even settle your car loan. otherwise we are really relying on your savings liao le which i dont even know can last until when. i have been cooking at home since day 1 ever since you are gone. sometimes i'm so tired of it. last time i cook you wash the dishes but now i cook and also i wash the dishes. i really wish the clock can turn back just like those short drama that i watch. die already n reborn back to the past. but in reality is not like this. once gone means gone.

uploading

dar, i was uploadinng songs into cloud drive coz without you around i know when will the Nas go corrupted or spoil then all our pictures and video will be all gone. then i slowly transfer those music and pictures. i was browsing through some of the music which happens to be yours. mariah carey song without you, because you love me by celine dion. alot of songs which both of us listen together before, and even the musical drama. our last musical drama is Miss Saigon and Phantom of the Opera. my heart feel so heavy, didi told the counsellor say he feel so bored this cny without you around. even i also feel the same. our live is never gonna be the same again. how am i going to answer to meimei if she ever ask why other children got papa and where is our papa. i dont even know how to answer this to her.

No mood

dar, today is the first day of cny and how to stay happy when im not happy at all. if can i really dont wish to go celebrate cny at all. but for the kids sake i got to go. you are the one love playing mj every time we go mum place. this yr i played on behalf for you. the kids so not used to being take bus around especially dylan, coz he is so used to being chauffer around. not only him i also not used to it. every time we go out you are the one who will drive us around. i duno hw to enjoy the festival for the future without you around. is like my heart also dead the day you were gone. it times take to heal, times take to adapt life without you. thats what many ppl told me. and so fast the first day already ended.

Endure

dar, this year feel so weird without you around. first time bring the kids take bus go your mum place. and after that bring them back taking bus also. just now mum place your fav food at one corner of the table and treat it you are still here. and im holding my tears when im there. im still trying to adapt the life without you around. i know you wont come back to life anymore but somehow in my dream i still wishes you to come back. i wish i can forever stay in that dream. the 5 of us together. i still cant accept the fact you are gone. sometimes im blaming you that you never take good care of your health. your death is so sudden for me to accept it. yesterday brought the kids to genki to eat for dinner and when otw back home owen spoil a water bottle at the miniso. i told the staff go ask your boy for money then. i just walk off, i angrily scold your boy. this wouldnt have happen if you still here. the kids not scare of me. only scare of you. this year suppose to be your zodiac year yet you are not around to enjoy the year. i totally dont have the mood at all and i cant seems to be happy at all also. wanted to cny goodies this year end up also never bake. coz no mood at all. all i feel is sadness and emptiness

surprise

dar, i went to a counsellor yesterday. and i know i had to go counselling coz my mental mind is not good at all. coz i got the thought of joining you at the other end but the 3 children is my strength especially meimei. seeing her makes me happy. for their sake i got to pull myself up. and i'm reading the book that the counsellor pass to me and i'm quite surprise that many widows eventually become christian. which i don't understand. the book is Strength to Live, is compiled by over 30 widows which i'm like really so many? just now one of the fellow widow mummy came over, she bought some plushie n goodies for your kids. her hub same thing as you also heart attack but he was only 35 yr old. last time you always say what if you die first what will happen, we never really had a talk about it. if time can go back i will really tell u that stop being so selfish you should consider us more. go for body checkup. i believe you ignore those symptoms and thus this thing happen. the book mention health issue which most widow will worry what happen if they also had the same issue as the spouse n the kids will become orphan. this is exactly what i'm thinking also. this book wrote alot of what i feel. and now i'm back to my intermitten fasting again. coz i got no time to eat liao le or rather not much of appetite also. without you around i also don't eat much and to think my fav snacking i also cut down until i myself also don't really believe it. but i bought bubble tea that day, i drank it and feel so shiok about it. i should pamper myself more but i rather save on myself and spend more on your kids instead. thats what you did to them isn't it.

daily life

dar, is been 1 month ever since you left us. i rather you come back then depend on your money to live on. last fri meimei told me she misses papa, i went to print out our family picture and intend to put it at our wall, i so scare the kids will forget how you look like eventually when they grow up. especially meimei coz she only 5 yr old. to think that her first time of taking plane with you could be her last with you. i have make appointment myself with counsellor tml. i also need help. last week i met up with another fellow mummy whom lost her hub 2 yrs ago, her hub is even younger. same thing as you but he only age 35. n her 2 kids is even younger then ours. hers back then is only like 5-6 yr old. and now they can tell their mummy that they already forgotten how their dad looks like despite their family is full of their dad de picture. then she told me for the past 2 yrs none of their in law mention about her hub name also. and then slowly the hub friends used to hang out together now also seldom meet up. i also afraid this will happen to your 3 kids as well. i dont want them to forgot you. i want them to remember your doting on them your laughter your scolding your playing your teaching etc.... i also scare your bunch of friends also will meet up less since you not around anymore. but i think we will still meetup like when you were still around i guess? i was told to slowly process my grief. as i was writing this i still tears. there's so much to tell you. you know tyler our neighbour he had ADHD, which we didn even know about it. i met up with his mum last week and i was told she quit her job in sept last yr to take care of tyler. she say tyler is now taking medicine for the ADHD and is quite severe type. then i told her about you, coz now the 2 boys is taking sch bus to sch, so she ask what happen. yesterday jenny fetch us out for dinner together with Zhongren they all, then we are chit chattting about your kids. you know what your small son did ma. first he went to reset your apple password on the day you cremate. then he went to purchase roblox credit. dylan told me he keep on hearing those purchase sound and i'm like cannot be coz you never save your credit card details in it. but i was wrong i re-login n notice you paid for some subscription so i went to remove your card payment instead. then dylan ask permission for 1 game so i paid for it. then subsequently on the 24 jan your small son hack into dylan roblox account n steal all his items away if not is delete the items away. then make dylan cry so in return i purchase some credit for dylan. and i forgot to remove the payment method. your small son did the apple reset password again on the 6 feb and went to purchase roblox credit and minecraft subscription. i scolded him, then in the night dylan told me can he beat owen up i ask why. he say coz he anyhow spend money i told him is ok i already scold him. i told them if i cant discipline the 2 of you i will pass the discipline to your 姑丈 i told them he is even more fierce then you. and dylan give a look at me. i told you i will try not to keep on scold them. dylan is so scare of my nagging now haha i told him i use to nag at your dad but since now your dad is not here i got no choice but to nag at you. yesterday i also make them change their bedsheet together with me. didi got to take his whole junk of plushie out before i can change the bedsheet. now i know why u dislike changing their bedsheet coz of their plushie.

oh ya i haven been postin my photos in here. let's see if i can post my weddin photos in here anot haha....

who is going to help me

dardar who is going to help me or give me advice for my study and many other things. i just re-record my video. if i re-record the vide on thurs morning and sitting beisde you, does that mean i can view exactly what happen to you? is all my fault this thing happen, looking at the chair you seating on while doing your work. why you must be the one leave me first. why im not the one instead. why... all of us are not used to it. without you around, i want my hug, i want us to blicker to quarrel to discuss things. i can't always rely on friends, i can only rely on myself. i dont want to grow up i want to continue to live under your care dardar. but where are you now. you protect us for so long why cant you continue protecting us why you must leave us so early. who is going to share drink with me when i cant finish the drink. who is going to bring us for oversea trip, for gathering, for outing. i want you to come back dar, i wish to join you also but we still got 3 kids. they need me. for them i must move on

i miss you

dardar, looking at our past pictures i cant help but still cry, i thought i can manage my sadness and grief but i still miss you alot, i want you to come back to us. why you leave us behind. why!!! just now didi ask me things and i slipped out of my mouth too fast and say go find dad. i'm so used of you in the house. i still cant accept that you have left us for good. i got no mood for anything and everything. the snacks in the storeroom i didn even touch it. no mood to snack no mood to eat. even the drinks that i order for you i also left untouch. this yr cny i also no mood at all. i only know i miss you alot... when i know you im only 18 years old. and we have been together since and how am i suppose to continue my life without you beside me. where can i get the strength from. i really don't know how... if god is there can you help me can you give me the strength to carry on my life... that day i chance upon the cards that i wrote to you when we are still dating. and i wrote you treat me too good until i cant live without you. indeed i cant live without you. if we don't have any kids at all i probably will have go join you liao le. ever since im with you my religion becoming more and more free thinker liao le. got one side of me i really wish to go become christian or even catholic. but then i don't like the talking of long hours haha... first time i keep using tissue for my tears for my nose. when ah ma died i also wont keep on crying for the entire month. it's coming to 1 month ever since you left us. i on off still cry when im alone. god, please give me the strength.. i really need it. i feel like i dont have any strength to move on. i'm stuck at the day that you left us for good. when someone ask me am i managing ok. am i coping well. i just reply yes i'm managing i'm coping well. but the true is i'm not. i don't want ppl to worry about me. will i get depression because i dont have the strength to continue. all my mind is will you come take me away. i guess i need to go find a counsellor soon coz is not healthy for me at all. keep on having these negative thoughts or mind.

guilt

dardar, i dream of you again. is our usual breakfast place and i was talking to you about why you nv apply DPS, why you never make the WILL why you never make additional car owner in your car etc... and all you do is smile at me while i do the talking. are you blaming me that why i didn save you in time? or why i never go check in the study room? do you know i have been living this guilt and self blame ever since you are gone. i can never forgive myself at all. if im curious enough to go check in the study room does that mean you will be save?

memories

dar, just now i bring the kids to compass point genki for dinner. then when i was eating i was crying inside my heart. coz the memories of you having dinner or lunch with us. who will share the drink with me. who will eat those food which i don't eat de. we always pass to you to eat. but just now nobody to pass to. i'm also trying to put up a strong front. but i know deep down my heart im crying already. even now while im typing i also feel like crying but im just controlling only. i have also book a car refresher. owen keep asking me to drive car. you know i got no confidence in driving coz im so scare. and the responsibility taken is even higher. i'm so afraid i cant do as well as you are. last time always ask them to find you but now all look for me and i got no answer for them. i'm not as smart as you are. i dont even know why you will choose me for your wife when im so stupid. all i know is cook and care for them. all those sch work i know nothing at all. i can't even help them. i feel so useless. you know you are the man that can do all things so well. taking care of the family so well. everytime u say u are like taking care of 4 kids, i also feel like i'm a kid that cant grow up. i think i ever asked you before why choose me to be ur gf when your condition is so good but i can't remember what you say le. i was looking back at our past pictures from young to old. and when was the last time we had a couple pic. i couldnt even find any recent de. all are with the kids. sometimes taking the lrt i cant help but will try to cry but i hold back, how to forget and control myself.

how

dar, today i went to find dr choi to do blood test since the DPS im applying also request me to have the latest blood results. then i tell dr choi i want to do the ECG since of your episode and last 3 weeks i told him i don't know is it due to my emotional stress or psychology issue my heart feel very heavy. there are times whereby i need to have a deep breathing. and just now the ECG results doesn look good. dr choi say my heart rate is indeed quite low. so he going to refer me to heart specialist at SKH. and i receive the appointment quite fast and is after CNY. i don't know how the outcome will be. but i need to write a WILL ASAP. pei jing say death is not scary the one who suffer is normally the one who live behind. i cant bear the thought if really something happen to me the kids how. although nothing is done yet i should not think so much. but i cant help not to think since my mum died of cardiac arrest or heart attack. what are the chances that i wont get it. and owen had asthma some more. all could be link. i'm praying that the DPS can be approved and at least the kids will have something the next time i'm not around. but for their sake i will try to lose weight try to stay healthy try my all means to bring them up. the thought of them being an orphan i can't imagine that. and my dad i only left me also. no matter what i will try my very best to stay as healthy as i can. to protect my heart protect the kids.

rely

dar, i rely on you so much ever since we got married. you do everything i don't even need to do anything at all. from housework to fetching the kids to buying food for them etc.. all are done by you. you are the best man that i have ever know in my life. is it heaven see that im too used to having such a good life thus take you away from me. and makes me start everything over again. last time when im single i do all household in hougang because ah ma is old. now i got to redo all the household again. haiz dar i saw the sleepwear u wore the night before hanging at the stand there. i immediately take n sniff n then kept it inside the wardrobe. i intend to vacuum pack the towel, the clothes and even the pillow case. i want to maintain the last scent of you. i even have the thought of bringing it with me when i die the next time i sound pervert but thats the only way i can have it this way, i don't wish to and i don't want to touch or throw any of your things away. i have been crying on and off for the past 2 weeks. whenever i think of you i just cry. i cant help it or control it. the tears just cant but flowing down. whenever people ask about you i will talk until cry. my heart feel so empty feel so lonely. whenever i see the wallpaper is you i'm always missing you. feel like hugging you again. will we ever meet again ma. will we still meet again the next life? i still want to be with you i still want to marry you. the remaining days or life without you around feels weird and lonely. like what owen say de feel so lonely without you around. yes i agree with him. coz deep down in my heart i do feel lonely. im so loss without you around. im just like a baby need to learn everything. you make me rely on you so much until now im so not used to it. you never pre-empt me that is time for me to be independent. is never easy for me and for my mental health. i know i need to seek help, i need to go for counselling for myself also. after i settle down i will seek appointment at the grief support group. i duno if they can help me. but i know im not alone im just not used to it. coz we are together for so many years and suddenly im alone.

can't bear

dar, today when im about to wash the clothes i wanted to take the towel you last used and put it to wash. but there's a smell of ur body in it. and somehow i put it back to the toilet and kept it hanging there. i can't bear to wash it coz have your smell. the thought of the smell makes me think of you think that you are still inside the house. i can't bear to throw away any of your clothes either. until now whenever i talk to the boys about you i cant help to cry. just like dad say this dad say that. once the word dad is out of my mouth i cant help but to cry. today meimei show me her drawing then i ask why no papa. she say papa is sleeping and black black so she don't like. then i tell her must remember how papa looks like in white colour. i guess she refering to the cremation that day. i told the boys later on go carpark and take a picture of the car and them. and let them sit inside the car for the last time. if not no more chance liao le. they wanted me to keep the car but who is going to pay for the monthly instalment when im not even working. your cpf money is meant for them to study in future if they ever get into university. i cant use that money. ur savings i will keep it for them also. you know i dont anyhow spend money other than buy toys for them. but that is on taobao nia. now i also try not to spend so much liao le. is enough to last us for many yrs, just now korkor ask me so the taiwan trip in dec are we still proceeding. i told him to go ask ur sister. i wish to bring him go but i don't know if i will be in the right mind ma. will i still be griefing or can i handle the 3 kids myself if go oversea ma. i think ur sis also will be worried if i bring them go myself. is been 2 weeks since u left us. until now there's not a single day i never think of you or miss you. i always wish time can turn back to the day you were gone. i really wish there's a second life.

I wish

dar i really wish the one who is dead is me and not you. i really cannt communicate with your sons. you say that no wonder they hate me. they must be thinking that why the one who is dead is you and not me. i also wish that could happen to me instead. at least they will respect you. they dont even respect me at all. i got no stand in this family you know right. sometimes i really wish to join you and wash hands off entirely. im so freaking tired. why heaven never come take me away why take you away instead. i feel my life might get shorten over the next few years. who knows maybe next yr i also same as you. i think i really need to go seek help soon liao le. coz i know my mental is really not so good now

how long more

dardar i dont know how long more i can stop crying whenever i think of you. every single little thing that i does i always think of you. washing the dish i cry because i think of you. just now ur colleague Louis and Director shirley came over to collect ur work laptop and ipad and workpass etc... when i spoke to them about you i cant help but want to cry liao... i told them your colleagues and ex colleagues and vendor and ex vendor is all around singapore. when i say that i think of the words that i told you before. that i cannt cheat on you de because your friend is all around singapore later they caught me cheating. and i was laughing when i told you this and you still say yes u got spy all around singapore. every single words that we talk about is all inside me. how am i going to survive for the next decades without you. without your nonsense and your jokes. and your laughter. i dare not move your water bottle in the study room. clearing your stuff i saw those paper with your handwriting on it i also cant bear to throw away. looking at the mess at home i always think of you nagging at me ask me to clear up and i always say later. then u always say later later later will never happen. xiao gu last night say i had a good life for past over 17 yrs now is time to suffer. and wait till the kids are much older then i will be more relax le. i don't even know if can survive till then. my mental health is not as strong as what they see. i also putting up a strong front. but when im alone in the house facing the four walls you don't know i keep on crying every now n then. every time i heard someone coughing i always thought is you and looking out of our house door but it happen to be the neighbour. is so quiet now at home without your coughing and talking and scolding of the kids. i really miss you i want to hug you again.

diagram

dar, as im doing the ICA2 for Macroeconomic, my thoughts is all you. coz i remember how you guide me how to draw the diagram in the MS word, how you guide me how to do all my ICA. now without you beside me i feel so uneasy. you are the man that i have met who knows everything. until now i still cant accept the fact that you have left me. i have been putting strong upfront. but deep inside my heart i missed you so much. looking at the wallpaper of the pic that i last took on you at ikea. i can't help not to think of you. i have been living in guilt. i keep on thinking is it my fault that causes this to happen. if i have been more curious to go inside room and find out what things drop or even shout at you. would i be able to stop this from happening. there's no what if i know. but i really wish the clock can go back on time. i think this guilt inside me will follow me all the way till im dead ba. we got so many plans and things want to do together yet you didn deliver them. we say to go on a couple trip during our 20 yrs wedding anniversary but it can't be done anymore. we say want to bring the kids to melbourne to watch the penqguin island and this cant be fulfil anymore. we also say want to bring the kids to where our honeymoon is. this also cant be fulfil anymore. i always feel you can do better than i am in this family. why the one who left is not me. why!!!! the house is so quiet without you around. your coughing, your talking. who is going to fulfil the emptiness in my heart. dar, you know the christmas song right. all i want for christmas is you. but now i wanted to say is all i want is for u to come back to me. i know is impossible.

stop rushing me

dardar, do you know ur car now is a big issue. i want to wait for the probate letter to be out then sell but sis keep on chasing me asking me to call maybank to reprocess the car. i feel like i cant breathe anymore. im being push to the walls. i want to sell the car and get the proceeds back. i'm so tired dealing your car seriously. why you must leave me behind. can i join you instead. i'm so afraid my mental cant cope any longer. i really want a break. can i just run away and leave everything behind? i can't coz i still got the 3 kids. i got no more me time life. all my life now is running between the 3 kids. i have the rights to make decision right. is it because of your endless contributing and thus your body cannt handle the stress? thats why you leave me so sudden. i also feel like joining you but i still got the 3 kids and especially meimei is still so young. i want to see them grow up also. but will my body able to handle the stress till then? i got no idea. life is so fragile nowadays. who knows the next one might be me leaving the world. the kids is now my strength for me to carry on. i cant collapse, but nobody can tell what will happen next. i only know i'm so tired, be it mentally or physically. i'm not used to the routine now but i got no choice do i.

Helpless

dardar, you will give me strength for me to carry on right. i have never felt so helpless before. im too relying on you liao le. because of your selfless love and pamper that makes me so helpless. i scare im not able to be as good as you are with the kids. im so mentally tired. i feel my heart like not as good as before. i also scare what if one day im like you and out of sudden collapse. what would happen to the 3 kids. they are going to be orphan. i dont want the kids to never have any parent love like i do. i want them to know the love that we have for them. i have never thought of this day before. really. why this thing happen to me. is it heaven see me have a good life with no worry so this thing happen to me. so i need to learn to grow up without any happiness anymore. i thought i will be more calm after crying and pouring all out. but whenever i think of you i still cant help but cry. i too also need councillor not only your kids. im not mentally prepared to face this situation but for the 3 kids i must be strong. but how strong can i be. xiao gu told me my mentally need to be strong. but im so tired. if we dont have any kids at all i probably cant survive either. but we have 3 kids our 爱的结晶. for them i must stay strong. but im also a human i also want someone to love me. where are you. you are suppose to be the one who love me dont you.

You promise me

dardar, you mention that even if got kids i still can sleep late. but where are you now. all the promises you made is gone now. do you know you have spoil the kids until i cant even do the job as good as you are. i cant be like you wake up early and go buy breakfast for them. i still want my sleep. i really miss you. how am i going to survive for the rest of my life without you around. all along im under your protection. but now i got to step out. i scare i cant handle the pressure and i feel so hard to breathe. why the one who's gone is not me. i rather im the one who is away in this house and not you.

Meimei misses you

dardar, today phoebe told me she misses you. first time after your passing she suddenly tell me she misses you and even ask where are you now. how to tell her u no longer around? i only tell her u are sleeping and have gone up to watch over us. she even us when are you coming down to earth. i wish the kids didn follow my footstep that lost any of the parents but yet it did happen. the difference is you were with them when they were born until now coming to 12 yr old and 9 year old. and meimei going to 5 yr old. all the memories they had with you is real. my case is different becoz i lost my mum when im a baby which totally had no recollection at all. im not as painful as them. your passing is a double blow to any of us in the family. if ah ma is around she sure worried for me as well. am i going to say i no longer 幸福 anymore. coz you are not there anymore. ah ma every time say i very good life but now my life is no longer good life.

I really wish

dardar i dream of you again. this time round is i dream of you fetching the kids back from sch. and you still can talk to me say i dont wish you to come back is it. i immediately rush up and hug you. i know this dream is not real is just because i miss you so much that i want you to come back to me. i thought im ok after crying out that day. but now as i write i still tears up thinking of you. remember when we are dating that time i start to write blog and you follow me. what makes my impression deep is you wrote that you will pamper me until i cant live without you. and indeed i really cant live without you. you have pamper me for 20 over years why dont you want to continue pamper me.

Icloud

dardar when you are around those computer savy all are done by you. now you not around im so scare that the nas will corrupted or even collapse same like u. so now i purchase 200gb frm icloud and i start to copy over frm the nas to the icloud. this is one of the better plan for me liao le. coz i dont want to lose those pictures and video that we have. that night i show owen the birthday video which you recorded and he cried. he misses you and i too also misses you. i still will cry whenever i spoke with you in it. how not to cry... everything happen too fast. how nice if there's really a go back to life thing which happen in those short drama. but in real life i know is impossible. you always tell me continue to dream

Dream

dardar last night i was just asking if you can come to my dream and you did but is so unreal because i saw you coming back to life. is it you also wish that you can come back to life too? are you blaming me? xiao gu n marilyn came back specially to accompany me im doing ok with their companion but once im alone i start to miss you and your voices. what am i going to do. xiao gu ask me not to keep blaming myself but i cant help it. without ur financial support how am i going to survive. we are so used to your chauffering of fetching us here n there. now we got to take public transport. everybody used to say i have a tai tai life n even ah ma also say i had a good life but now i no longer had that anymore. who is going to protect us from now. who is going to protect me. who is going to protect the kids. i really wish it did happen that you come back to life. where are you now. i miss your voice but i couldnt find any video of you. all are the kids and when is the last time we even took a couple pic. all the pic are the family pic. i can no longer shop as freely as i can. why you dont want to continue pamper me why. since you have pamper me since 2004 why not continue why. i can no longer go back to the usual life that i used to have. nobody is going to pamper me pamper the kids from now on.

First day without you around

dardar, jenny offer to fetch the kids to sch for this whole week. next week onwards they will be on their own liao. the sch principal say they will arrange sch bus to pick them up. didi heard if morning need to take train to sch he abit reluctant i told him there will be sch bus. he say he will take sch bus. but coming back part i dont know if the 2 boys want to continue take mrt back home or take sch bus. since now we have already apply for the FAS and sch bus is free for us. i dont what time the boys slept last night but for me i really is cry until slp. even now when im typing here i still trying to hold my tears. will i cry until im blind ma. i have been crying since last thurs. i really miss you so much to the extent i went to customise a plushie with your face in it. and i also browse through our picture our last couple pic is in year 2020. ever since got the kids we always take pic of the kids we hardly had a couple pic. i miss holding your hands. i miss your warmth. i miss your hug thats why i went to customise the plushie with your face in it. so i can hug it i just want a hug from you. and to replace the space that is empty at the bed. dar you know now i will go apply any financial scheme i have right even though i know ur cpf can last me for quite sometime. but i still got until end of this year to go and plus if can i also dont wish to bother your sis too much. when you are around that time you always dont like to bother people also. but your sis now is holding the bai jin for me and even though i somehow abit dont like it but nvm since your sis say will transfer to me if i need the money.

Something is amiss

dear you know the 2 boys say they cant slp because something is missing which is you. i also feel the same as them. i miss talking to you. i have been blaming myself is it my fault if i should go to the room and see what is the thing that falls down. maybe you will be save? is it all my fault that you left us forever? i have never expect that things fall down is you. our study room always got things that fall down but how would i expect it to be you. i know many ppl say i shouldnt blame myself is just a accident but i cant help but blame myself for it. that the 3 kids lost their dad at such young age. you know the 2 boys are so close to you. i scare i cant do as well as you did with the boys.

Heartbroken day

i miss you alot dear really. what m i going to do without you in my life from now on. i miss talking to you. complaining to you about the kids. im so used to your snoring your sleep talk occasionally. but now i got to get used without having you in my life. who can i talk to who can i share my daily affair