can't bear

dar, today when im about to wash the clothes i wanted to take the towel you last used and put it to wash. but there's a smell of ur body in it. and somehow i put it back to the toilet and kept it hanging there. i can't bear to wash it coz have your smell. the thought of the smell makes me think of you think that you are still inside the house. i can't bear to throw away any of your clothes either. until now whenever i talk to the boys about you i cant help to cry. just like dad say this dad say that. once the word dad is out of my mouth i cant help but to cry. today meimei show me her drawing then i ask why no papa. she say papa is sleeping and black black so she don't like. then i tell her must remember how papa looks like in white colour. i guess she refering to the cremation that day. i told the boys later on go carpark and take a picture of the car and them. and let them sit inside the car for the last time. if not no more chance liao le. they wanted me to keep the car but who is going to pay for the monthly instalment when im not even working. your cpf money is meant for them to study in future if they ever get into university. i cant use that money. ur savings i will keep it for them also. you know i dont anyhow spend money other than buy toys for them. but that is on taobao nia. now i also try not to spend so much liao le. is enough to last us for many yrs, just now korkor ask me so the taiwan trip in dec are we still proceeding. i told him to go ask ur sister. i wish to bring him go but i don't know if i will be in the right mind ma. will i still be griefing or can i handle the 3 kids myself if go oversea ma. i think ur sis also will be worried if i bring them go myself. is been 2 weeks since u left us. until now there's not a single day i never think of you or miss you. i always wish time can turn back to the day you were gone. i really wish there's a second life.